Today, I woke up with the expectation to go bungee jumping from the highest bungee jumping place in the world! I woke up and was so stoked that I was not nervous about it, I was super confident in the jump and to be honest I had just not thought about it too much because processing means feelings and feelings are something that I want to avoid at all cost especially if I feel like I am going to be scared. I didn’t want anything like fear get to my head and prevent me from having an amazing bungee experience!
We got into the big bus that we have now successfully accommodated to be our temporary beds through out the day. Several naps have been taken on this bus, thus this weird since of comfort comes from sitting in my claimed area on the bus. We had a two hour journey to the bungee site. All of us have been deeply intrigued in our books this entire trip and that had continued on in our two hour adventure to our amazing bungee experience! Some of us fell asleep on the ride and just as I started to wake up I heard Kate on the overhead speaker say “this is the highest suicide cliff here to your left” she giggled and put the mic down. As we were crossing the bridge that we would soon be jumping off of our new PA gets a call from Leizel. We pass a couple of parked cars on the side of the bungee jumping bridge – one I think could be a police car – what…. the over head speaker comes on again. Its the new PA this time talking, she has said that Leizel called her and that there was a suicide jumper at 6:00am.
Everyone was silent, desperately awaiting some more information, our new PA in my mind is already not that likable but the way that she went about this situation really stressed me out. She started talking about how its okay, we are at the site, and if we want we “Can go buy a shirt and say that we were here if you want!” Oh. My. Gosh. This girl better shut her mouth. Seriously, lets think before we talk. In her defense, no one knows how to handle tragic situations like this. I believe that our PA’s tried to stay positive for us and they were trying so hard they seemed that they were actually happy about the fact that this mad committed suicide and no one was able to stop him.
Wait, first of all how can a man come to be in such a position that they believe there is nothing more in life for them but to jump off the highest bridge on this planet? How can You God let this man be in just a rut that he believed he was all alone in this world and had no reasons to live? Where is your hand in this situation? Did you predestine this man to murder himself? What is your plan for this situation? Why was it this timing? Why today, at 6:00am, the only day that APU Fall 2015 Cape Town can go bungee jumping? Why? Why. Why!
Some felt guilty for wanting to still bungee even though this man had just committed suicide. Some felt guilty for not really feeling much about the entire situation. God I’m mad that you could have predestined this man to do this. I am mad that you allowed him to have the free will to commit murder against himself. I am angry that your hand does not seem to be over this situation. Where are you? Would you be there for the people I know if they were at the verge of suicide? Would you stop them? Would you some how divinely intervene to terminate the situation?
So many emotions have now entered my mind and have overcome my entire being, we finally get out of the car at the site and we all head strait to the toilet – as they call it here in South Africa.
No one is talking, everyone is processing, some are tearing up, some are simply waiting in line for the toilet. Some people make a few bathroom remarks to lighten the mood like there is pee all over, it kinda smells, all of those general things. I get out of my stall, wash my hands and head over to where you can see the bridge with the intentions of praying over the bridge and going back to the bus. When we get there all of the emotions and questions have started to hit me more and more. Kalyn says we should pray, and asked me to pray, and I couldn’t. God I had no words, I am furious. There is no reason that You couldn’t have stopped it. Why didn’t you stop it? What was the purpose of that? I physically could not pray out loud.
Brooke kindly took over and literally took the words out of my mouth. Lord You had Your hand over this situation, I do not know why, but I am glad that I was able to experience Your will in a way that was so unexpected even unwanted. God you have been doing some unexpected things in my life. There have been several things that I have been struggling with such as predestination and free will. You know this. It has lately been consuming me, everything that I see is predestination. Everywhere I look someone is using their free will in a good or bad way. Im trying to think of the moral of the story, and I can’t. But God, you can work through all situations, tough and not. If there is anything I have learned lately is that you pick broken people to do your work, and we are all broken.